Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Then it dawned on me... "This is how I'm supposed to feel all the time!" I don't deserve eternal life, I didn't deserve the blood of Jesus and his unfailing love. In spite of who I am he gave it to me, and loves me fully. He cloaks me in righteousness and its because of who he is that I get to live life experiencing joy. Just like I didn't do anything to deserve gifts from my friends and family, but they chose to bless me anyways, I haven't done anything to deserve Jesus, and he did it anyways. Because I didn't do anything to earn his love, I can't do anything to lose his love. I've been walking around feeling like I'm just failing everyone and everything, and that people are disappointed in me... but the truth is, Jesus chose to cloak me in his unfailing love and he's not disappointed in me, in fact, he's proud of me. Everyday I should feel overwhelmed at the gifts that have been given to me. Everyday I should be filled with gratitude that Jesus loves me, and I should be filled with joy. I don't know why I ever fear that I won't have enough, that I won't be provided for... Not only does Jesus provide the meat and potatoes, the necessities of life, but he showers us with chocolate and wine and all the good gifts. He doesn't just give us the bare necessities to survive, he provides abundant life.
I have been walking around with this mindset that "Jesus will give me what I need to get through this, he'll give me enough energy to get through this sickness, he'll give me the grades I need to go where he wants me to go, he'll provide the job I need..." and those things are true, he will provide all that I need, but he provides so much more than just what I "need." I don't need flowers and chocolate, but Jesus loves to give those things to me. He says to delight in him and he will give us the desires of our heart. He loves to bring us joy, he loves to provide so much beyond "enough," he gives us enough to share. He gives abundant gifts, gifts that we don't deserve, and he enjoys showering us with blessings. My mindset shouldn't be "Ok, God will give me enough to get me through this..." it should be "God has always and will continue to bless my life, and I never have to worry about the future, because the nature of God is to bless his children with every good and perfect gift." This week I have been given so much more than I could ever imagine, tea and a jembe, and cards and so many things... but so much more than that, I've been showered with every spiritual blessing.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
We might have been freezing our hineys off, but it was so worth it! I'm really excited for this new semester. That was the very best way we could have started it off. So blessed to get to spend every Wednesday with beautiful, godly women! But even as I got to pray for them, I still felt like God was calling me out, and I just wasn't sure what exactly He was trying to say. But then today happened...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My heart breaks, because although they’re living in this cycle, they don’t know it exists. I want so badly to influence these girls enough that they will break free. To tell them they are worthwhile, to tell them that they can do what they’re dreaming. I want this work that I’ve done with them to carry on once I’ve gone, because people saw girls changing, and were overwhelmed, so they couldn't help but continue to love them. Yesterday I sat with ten of the girls that hang about in town center until midnight every day, the ones that get drunk any chance they can get. We sat in my living room, ate pizza and cookies, danced, laughed, and chatted. Then they made me sing a song, and I decided to be brave. After I sang Hallelujah to them, I read them the poem that I had written two months before. I read them a poem of what God sees when He looks at them. And the room went silent. I told them that God sees them when they’re hurting, when no one else does, when life is rubbish. And not only does God see them, but he cares. This is what I said:
“Little girl, with the harsh I don’t give a shit exterior, I see you. I see you when the walls come down. I see you when your alone, broken and beaten. I see you fighting with your parents, I see you slam your door, I saw your daddy walk away, I was there when he OD. I see the pain little girl. I see you when the door is shut and the tears stream down. I see you in the park acting so cool when inside you’re shaking; scared someone might see through the façade. And guess what little girl, I love you. I call you beautiful. You can keep running, but I’ll be there, holding out my hands, waiting for you to run to me. O little girl, you have no hope, but I am THE hope. You think you got it all figured out, laugh it off, drink it away, push it out, and it won’t exist, right? WRONG. You know it, I know it, but its what you do, its what you’ve always done. Don’t you see, I made you. I chose you. You’re not an accident. I picked you. I want you. Come to me little girl, and I will set you free.”
Then we prayed for them. Each one. Individually. The air felt thick, like the Holy Spirit was right there with us. And then I was shocked, then, they prayed for me. They said they didn't know how to pray, but they prayed beautiful prayers. They say they don't want to believe, but man they prayed! And I was blessed...
My heart breaks for a lot of things, but in the end, this is what it comes down to: Jesus. His heart breaks for the lost, and hurting and broken, and so does mine. And I pray everyday that God will break my heart for what breaks his. Some days I do a good job, other days my heart isn’t so compassionate. But that’s the great thing about being young, I still have a lot of years to learn what true compassion is. I hope that more I’m around people who love people well, who love people like Jesus loved, the more I’m around those people, the more I will learn how to do it.
I don’t have any grandiose things I want to learn from being in Kansas City, I want to learn by doing, by serving next to other people that love Jesus. I am willing to serve wherever you need me, whether that’s doing the dishes or leading prayers and teaching younger girls, I’m up for it. Pray about it and see where you think God wants me, and know that wherever it is, I feel like this is where God wants me, so I know he will grow me from it.