So I looked back and read my old posts, life seemed so enthused then. I feel like coming back to America was like coming back to the mundane. I guess I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life here... but being here feels like someone put a cloud over emotion. Like emotional novocain. I feel numb, bitter, worn out. Part of me feels angry at God for making me come home, because life feels so pointless here. And everyone says there is a point to this. But I stare into the mirror and all I feel is loneliness. All I know is I wish I wasn't here. People say to learn from this time. But whats to learn? I'm stuck. I want to feel the love of Christ and I can't. I know I can't rely on feelings. I know that emotions are deceptive. I know this time will end. But knowing things in your head is so hard when you can't feel that its true.
I'm in neutral and I'm coasting through a fog so thick the end is nowhere near. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn...I could really use dawn right about now. Philippians says to Rejoice... what does rejoicing mean? How can you rejoice when you can't feel? Is it just a state of being, constantly rejoicing in what Christ did for us, with our minds, even when our emotions can't feel joy...?
Life is so complicated, so overwhelming. I'm just holding onto what I know to be true. Knowing that when i look back on this time i'll be grateful for it.
