Nostalgia

So I looked back and read my old posts, life seemed so enthused then. I feel like coming back to America was like coming back to the mundane. I guess I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life here... but being here feels like someone put a cloud over emotion. Like emotional novocain. I feel numb, bitter, worn out. Part of me feels angry at God for making me come home, because life feels so pointless here. And everyone says there is a point to this. But I stare into the mirror and all I feel is loneliness. All I know is I wish I wasn't here. People say to learn from this time. But whats to learn? I'm stuck. I want to feel the love of Christ and I can't. I know I can't rely on feelings. I know that emotions are deceptive. I know this time will end. But knowing things in your head is so hard when you can't feel that its true.

I'm in neutral and I'm coasting through a fog so thick the end is nowhere near. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn...I could really use dawn right about now. Philippians says to Rejoice... what does rejoicing mean? How can you rejoice when you can't feel? Is it just a state of being, constantly rejoicing in what Christ did for us, with our minds, even when our emotions can't feel joy...?

Life is so complicated, so overwhelming. I'm just holding onto what I know to be true. Knowing that when i look back on this time i'll be grateful for it.

2 Corinthians 5:17

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I was so exhausted on Wednesday night, but something was drawing me to pray. So when I got back from my Kerby date with Seth, I went in to the prayer room. Tired and without expectancy I started to cry because it felt like I was just slipping right back, right back to where I was before, back into all the same patterns with all the same friends and I couldn't conquer it. And then I looked up at the wall. And I saw a list of things that I am in Christ, and the first one I saw was that I am a "New Creation" and that burden of trying to make myself behave disappeared. I don't have to worry and more, because I am a new creation! And God whispered down to me, you are already free from it in me. Don't you worry little girl.

I used to be a caterpillar and now I'm a butterfly, I'm still the same person, but God has transformed every bit of me. A butterfly could not survive if it still though it was a caterpillar, and likewise we cannot survive if we do not claim our new freedom in Christ.

So all you reading this, be blessed and know that YOU are a NEW CREATION. The old is actually gone! And when you feel it creeping back in, you can proclaim freedom in Christ.

Moving On

Well guys, my time here in the UK is coming to a close. It was a shorter period of time than I had originally thought, but it was so worthwhile. I have fallen in love with this place, with these people and leaving will be so hard, but I truly am excited for what's next. I didn't want to tell you guys until I knew for sure what I would be doing, but it looks like come March 12th(ish) I will be living in Kansas City, Missouri. I gave this year to be a year where I served, and I want to continue that when I come back to America. So I asked around, where people though I should go next, and it seemed like everyone I asked said, Kansas City, so for the last couple of months, I've been looking into, and I've had the most incredible support from 24-7 leaders. Finally, Thursday, I got an e-mail confirming that I can come to KCBR for three months. Woohoo! When Anna e-mailed me, she asked me a few tough questions, what makes me burn, what drives me, what do I want to learn... it took me a while to come up with an answer, but here is what I said:

Hurting women break my heart, and the social cycle that causes women to think less of themselves, sell themselves short and then have kids who are born into a dysfunctional home and carry on the routine: that makes me want to see change. Here in Corringham, there are a lot of broken people. There are a lot of people who have been told for so long that “they’re nothing but an Essex kid,” and now they believe it. I’ve been spending the last six months loving the girls. They are hard on the outside, but o so insecure right underneath. Some of them push away love, because they don’t know what to do with it. Some of them hold tightly to you, because they so desperately want to be wanted. Some of them stare at you quietly judging from the corner, if this I safe or not. But nevertheless, I've sought over these past months, to show these girls what love is. Its not that they’re homeless or anything, it’s the fact that while most of them have houses to fall asleep in at night, most of them don’t have homes, and people to care for them every day. Their parents really do love them, but they work two jobs to stay afloat and go to the pub late to drink away the past. Most of their dads are out of the picture, and the girls don’t know what a relationship with a guy is supposed to look like.

My heart breaks, because although they’re living in this cycle, they don’t know it exists. I want so badly to influence these girls enough that they will break free. To tell them they are worthwhile, to tell them that they can do what they’re dreaming. I want this work that I’ve done with them to carry on once I’ve gone, because people saw girls changing, and were overwhelmed, so they couldn't help but continue to love them. Yesterday I sat with ten of the girls that hang about in town center until midnight every day, the ones that get drunk any chance they can get. We sat in my living room, ate pizza and cookies, danced, laughed, and chatted. Then they made me sing a song, and I decided to be brave. After I sang Hallelujah to them, I read them the poem that I had written two months before. I read them a poem of what God sees when He looks at them. And the room went silent. I told them that God sees them when they’re hurting, when no one else does, when life is rubbish. And not only does God see them, but he cares. This is what I said:

“Little girl, with the harsh I don’t give a shit exterior, I see you. I see you when the walls come down. I see you when your alone, broken and beaten. I see you fighting with your parents, I see you slam your door, I saw your daddy walk away, I was there when he OD. I see the pain little girl. I see you when the door is shut and the tears stream down. I see you in the park acting so cool when inside you’re shaking; scared someone might see through the façade. And guess what little girl, I love you. I call you beautiful. You can keep running, but I’ll be there, holding out my hands, waiting for you to run to me. O little girl, you have no hope, but I am THE hope. You think you got it all figured out, laugh it off, drink it away, push it out, and it won’t exist, right? WRONG. You know it, I know it, but its what you do, its what you’ve always done. Don’t you see, I made you. I chose you. You’re not an accident. I picked you. I want you. Come to me little girl, and I will set you free.”

Then we prayed for them. Each one. Individually. The air felt thick, like the Holy Spirit was right there with us. And then I was shocked, then, they prayed for me. They said they didn't know how to pray, but they prayed beautiful prayers. They say they don't want to believe, but man they prayed! And I was blessed...

My heart breaks for a lot of things, but in the end, this is what it comes down to: Jesus. His heart breaks for the lost, and hurting and broken, and so does mine. And I pray everyday that God will break my heart for what breaks his. Some days I do a good job, other days my heart isn’t so compassionate. But that’s the great thing about being young, I still have a lot of years to learn what true compassion is. I hope that more I’m around people who love people well, who love people like Jesus loved, the more I’m around those people, the more I will learn how to do it.

I don’t have any grandiose things I want to learn from being in Kansas City, I want to learn by doing, by serving next to other people that love Jesus. I am willing to serve wherever you need me, whether that’s doing the dishes or leading prayers and teaching younger girls, I’m up for it. Pray about it and see where you think God wants me, and know that wherever it is, I feel like this is where God wants me, so I know he will grow me from it.

Beautiful Junk

Every Friday night we prayer walk around this town: Corringham. Those moments where we spread blessing over the town are some of my favorite, some of the most inspiring and challenging. Its incredible to think up ways to spread more blessing over the town, and the other day walking down to 217 from Transit Towers, I was inspired. I passed so much junk on my walk, and I just had this desire to start picking it up. I just wanted this town to be rid of the rubbish that fills it. And then I thought how cool it would be if after picking up all the junk, we made something out of it: a symbolic statement over the town. A statement that says "not only can God pick up the rubbish, but he can make it beautiful." Because the truth is if enough people tell you that your trash, you'll believe it, and the people of Corringham, have been continually told that they're no good. The kids that come to my house everyday, they wanna drop out of school, and their teachers think they should, their parents are the ones that get drunk in the pub every night, and have no faith that life can get better. These people believe that there is no hope. We wanted them to know that they are not worthless, but valuable. And maybe right now things are looking awful, and they don't see the beauty, but when we look at them, and when God looks at them we see what they were created to be, the value that God places on their lives.

We wanted to make something beautiful out of the towns junk, so that they could see that nothing is hopeless, everything can be made beautiful again. Friday: we did it. We went out into the town and picked up the cans, and wrappers, and broken bottles, we picked up the nasty bits that people drop onto the ground because they no longer have a purpose. We picked them up, took them home, and cleaned them. And then we made art out of that litter.

It was beautiful. To see that junk made into art was so beautiful. And now we're putting it back into the town. So that when people see that junk made beautiful, they can know someone cares about them.

Your Call

Your Call

Your call is to be a worship leader...

But not necessarily with a guitar in your hand.

Your call is to befriend that funny little lady at the end of your street,

Your call is to feed the hungry and to spend yourself on behalf of the poor... and to offer hospitality to strangerswho just turn up in town needing a place to crash,

And it's to fast,

And it's to pray, so long and hard that you run out of words and tears.

Your call is to preach the good news of Jesus to every person who will listen and a few who won't.

Your call is to go somewhere, anywhere, wherever, whenever, for Jesus, and never stop.

Your call is to love people no one else loves and toforgive then when they treat you like dirt - or worse.

Do your job to the best of your ability without grumbling about your boss or whining about your colleagues.

Your call is to pray for the sick, and when they are healed, to dance with them all night. And when they aren't, toweep with them and love them even more.

Your call is to honor your parents, pray for your leaders,study the scriptures, and attend plenty of parties, be apeacemaker in every situation: when the fight breaks out on the bus home late at night and when the gossip starts to circulate at church.

Your call is to pick up the litter in the street when no one else is looking, to wipe the toilet seat, to pull gum off from under the desk. t's to get to meetings early to put out chairs.

Your call is to make disciples and to teach them to obeyeverything Jesus Commanded. And don't forget to ministergrace to them when they sin (which they will).

Your mission is to baptize and to cast out evil spirits.

Your call is to bind up broken hearts wherever you find them, and you will find them wherever you look. It's to visit hospitals and prisons.

Your call is to listen more than you talk and to listen with your eyes as well as your ears.

It's to do the chores again and again without grumbling, It's to buy ethical coffee and to recycle your bottles, and while your at it, don't forget to leave anonymous gifts on peoples doorsteps.

And when you've done all that come back and we can spend a little time praying about phase 2!

An Excerpt from Pete Grieg's "The Vision and the Vow"

Prophetic Pennies

Around comes Friday night: prayer walking time. And everyone in the house has this gloom over them. So before its time to start I go into the prayer room, and ask God for some fresh hope, some rejuvenation for our team. While I'm there I find these dreams. Dreams that we wrote almost at the beginning of the year. Dreams for a change, dreams for hope, dreams for revival and salvation. And I prayed that God would restore these dreams in our hearts, and that God would bring them about in our town. And by the time prayer walking was coming, I was stoked. Stoked to see what God was gonna do tonight, because I knew it was gonna be amazing. And I made Steve and Mike read out their dreams too, and the atmosphere changed, all of a sudden we were excited, excited to see this new work God was gonna do. And then that fresh hope that I had just prayed for, Steve brought it. He had this idea about pennies, and by now I've learned that the crazier an idea sounds, the more likely to be brilliant it is. He read us the passage from Luke 15, about the woman with only ten coins to her name, who loses one. She searches and searches everywhere for her lost coin until she finds it, and when she does, she is so excited she tells all her neighbors and friends and celebrates with them. And just like that woman with the coin, thats how God celebrates when we come to him.

So Steve, he finds like a 100 pennies, and we prayed over them. We prayed that the pennies would be symbols of hope, and light in this town of despair. We prayed that God would use them in ways we didn't understand. We were inspired to see God change this town, to see God change Corringham. And so with a bag full of change each, we went out. We laid pennies in front of gambling shops, churches and youth hangouts, in front of the park, on benches, down alley ways, on top of rubbish bins and in pizza boxes. Anywhere we wanted the symbol of Gods' hope to be we put a penny. A heart shaped row on Penny's next to the dodgy pub, and a smiley face down a dark alley. Wherever we walked we prayed Gods' hope would be, we prayed that people's veils would be removed, that they would see God clearly. Because we knew that if they could see God, actually see what was going on, there would be no stopping the revival in this town.

As we laid the pennies, something awesome happened. We got to tell people about Jesus. Because yeah, walking around on a Friday night laying pennies on the streets is weird, and people want to know whats going on. So they asked, and we told them. We told them, that sometimes this town is dark, and despairing, but we're praying that hope would fill it, we told them that we care enough about them, and this town, to pray. And we gave them pennies, to put in their houses, purses, schools. Maybe they will forget about the pennies, but my hope is that when they see random pennies lying around, that they will remember the prayers that we prayed, and they will remember that their is hope in Christ.

We got to pray for healing, for restoration and hope. For individual people, for the rough and tough crowd who act so cool, we prayed for those boys, and they were actually keen for it to happen. Man! Isn't God good! He can do immeasurably more than we can ask think or imagine, so I'm gonna ask for Corringham!

Corringham

I have no words to describe the way my heart has broken for Corringham. The girls showed up at our house today, and we just got to sit on our couches with hot chocolate and chat. The boys come round all the time, but it was so nice to have the girls today. It wasn't anything special, it was just the fact that they felt comfortable here. They felt comfortable just being, its like we've hit a new stage, and I hate the fact that I don't get to be around to see it out. I want to see them in love with Jesus so bad it hurts. And I know God is going to provide someone else who has a heart to see them serving God, but sometimes its easier to say you know something than believe it. I just have to trust that God loves these girls so much more than I ever will, and so He will therefore bring someone into their lives who will love on them and show them Jesus. Because His desire is for them to know him.

Jumping

I don't know where God wants me, and I don't know where He's gonna take me. That place of the unknown is a tough one. Its a place we all face. Trust sounds easy when its all in theory, but then the reality comes and we have to take the leap of faith. We jump off those steep cliffs and trust that God is gonna catch us. But man that time in the middle from the land to His hands, man that time is scary, and its exciting and its awesome. But man it takes a whole lotta courage to jump. I'm scared to jump. Because my mind keeps telling me I'm gonna jump off the wrong cliff at the wrong time. Where next? The dirty streets of Boys Town is where my heart wants to be, but I don't know if thats the plan. Do I get to stay in Corringham, or should I move on to something thats a little more out of my comfort zone? Is it Kansas City or Madison? Or maybe just right at home in Austin. All these decisions lie in front of me and yet somehow I know that when the time comes to make that decision Gods' just gonna do it. And it won't be me jumping off the unknown cliff free-falling... it will be God guiding, and it will be him jumping with me, and He'll be the one with the parachute. Cuz he says He's got plans for me. And he says they're gonna be good. He says He loves me, and He's gonna provide for me. He says do not be afraid.

So Lord you show me the way. If you want me to stay, well then you kick open that door, and if you want me to go, well then show me that way too. I'm jumping Lord, jump with me. And on this journey through the air, Lord teach me to follow your truth. Teach me what faith and trust and belief are. Cuz I wanna walk with you. I wanna be like Moses, and I don't wanna move unless your moving with me. Ok God here I go, you take the controls. I'm letting you decide the destination. Cuz your plans are better than mine. Your ways higher than my ways.