Flowers and Chocolate

I was walking away from my Philosophy test (which I actually did ok on) this morning carrying flowers and chocolates and a sweet card from my dear friend Elle and I was thinking about how I don't deserve all the blessings that have been heaped on me this week. Seriously, all week people have been giving me flowers and chocolate and coffee and buying me lunches and dinners and just treating me like a Princess. There is no way that I am a good enough friend to deserve all of these things! I started thinking about all the ways in which I had failed to be a good friend, and was just so amazed that people still love me and wanted to bless me on my birthday. 

Then it dawned on me... "This is how I'm supposed to feel all the time!" I don't deserve eternal life, I didn't deserve the blood of Jesus and his unfailing love. In spite of who I am he gave it to me, and loves me fully. He cloaks me in righteousness and its because of who he is that I get to live life experiencing joy. Just like I didn't do anything to deserve gifts from my friends and family, but they chose to bless me anyways, I haven't done anything to deserve Jesus, and he did it anyways. Because I didn't do anything to earn his love, I can't do anything to lose his love. I've been walking around feeling like I'm just failing everyone and everything, and that people are disappointed in me... but the truth is, Jesus chose to cloak me in his unfailing love and he's not disappointed in me, in fact, he's proud of me. Everyday I should feel overwhelmed at the gifts that have been given to me. Everyday I should be filled with gratitude that Jesus loves me, and I should be filled with joy. I don't know why I ever fear that I won't have enough, that I won't be provided for... Not only does Jesus provide the meat and potatoes, the necessities of life, but he showers us with chocolate and wine and all the good gifts. He doesn't just give us the bare necessities to survive, he provides abundant life. 

I have been walking around with this mindset that "Jesus will give me what I need to get through this, he'll give me enough energy to get through this sickness, he'll give me the grades I need to go where he wants me to go, he'll provide the job I need..." and those things are true, he will provide all that I need, but he provides so much more than just what I "need." I don't need flowers and chocolate, but Jesus loves to give those things to me. He says to delight in him and he will give us the desires of our heart. He loves to bring us joy, he loves to provide so much beyond "enough," he gives us enough to share. He gives abundant gifts, gifts that we don't deserve, and he enjoys showering us with blessings. My mindset shouldn't be "Ok, God will give me enough to get me through this..." it should be "God has always and will continue to bless my life, and I never have to worry about the future, because the nature of God is to bless his children with every good and perfect gift." This week I have been given so much more than I could ever imagine, tea and a jembe, and cards and so many things... but so much more than that, I've been showered with every spiritual blessing. 

Declarations

A lot of the depression that I experience is brought about by believing negative things about myself, or allowing myself to believe the lies that satan is telling me. One of the ways that I've been combatting that is by declaring truth over myself. Yesterday my friend talked to Phi Lamb about 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says: " My grace is sufficient in you, my power is made perfect in weakness."

Today I realized that I have no control over these situations. My agency is so very limited. But that God has it all in His hands, and I went boldly before the throne room, and asked him to be perfect in my weakness, and to take these things into His hands.

When I feel out of control, when I feel like my emotions are leading me, instead of me leading my emotions, I say these words over my life:

I have a covenant with God, and by the blood of Jesus I release my divine provision.

My angels are carrying out the Word of God on my behalf. (Psalm 103:20) I expect to have divine appointments today, to run into the right people and to be delivered from the wrong people.

Any adversity, attack, accidents and tragedies that were headed my way are diverted right now in Jesus' name.

I speak to the raging waters in my life; peace, be still. I say to my mind; peace be still. I say to my emotions; peace, be still. I say to my body; peace, be still. I say to my home; peace, be still. I say to my family; PEACE, be still.

Now I speak to every mountain of fear, every mountain of discouragement, every mountain of lack and insufficiency; and I say, "Be removed and cast into the sea in Jesus name!" (Mark 11:22-24)

And I speak to this day and I call you blessed. And I declare that I serve a mighty God who today will do exceedingly and abundantly beyond all that I can ask or thing. (Eph 3:20) I say you are a good God and I eagerly anticipate your goodness today.

Loved.

I got the royal treatment this week. I was so loved on by all my brothers. The Argosy boys cooked us dinner last night. And tonight the Hampton boys cooked us dinner and gave us awards and wrote us notes! It was awesome!

Also, we had our first pledge meeting and it was incredible. We got to talk to the girls about being satisfied in Christ, and how when we are fulfilled in him we are able to appreciate the gifts of others instead of desiring what God has gifted them with. And how we can choose joy, and walk in satisfaction.

It was such a great time and I'm so excited to be a part of their lives. We got to give them roses and a verse and pray purity and righteousness over them... so good!

Stamp of Approval

Last night we took the pledges to Mount Bonell, while looking over the city of Austin we got to sing worship songs.

We might have been freezing our hineys off, but it was so worth it! I'm really excited for this new semester. That was the very best way we could have started it off. So blessed to get to spend every Wednesday with beautiful, godly women! But even as I got to pray for them, I still felt like God was calling me out, and I just wasn't sure what exactly He was trying to say. But then today happened...

Today has been one of those why do you do what you do kind of days. Like God shining the brightest light and using the best magnifying glass and saying, "my beautiful little girl, there are still smudges on you, and I love you, so I want you to shine bright as new." One of my friends has been telling me about his new revelation, this idea that we have already been renewed, and we can walk sinless lives, because Jesus said the old is gone and the new has come. And I mean when you say it, it sounds really awesome. But man, to live that way just sounds impossible! But if its possible to live a life without sin... I want it! I want my every motivation to be Christ. I don't want to do anything out of a desire for approval. I think as a woman, in women's ministry, its pretty easy to get caught up in wanting women to approve! But Jesus has called me lovely and worthy. And he approved me!

I've come to realize what an intense need I have to work to make God love me. I realized that I didn't think I was good enough just as I am for anyone to like me. When someone just enjoys me, I often wonder, "whats wrong with them?" Seriously, satan has so twisted my mind into believing I am unworthy of God's love that I've transferred those thoughts to all of humanity. But the thing is, God's love is free. In The Father Heart of God, he talks about bringing his wife flowers, and he says if he brought them to her and she went to her wallet to pay for them, he would be so hurt, all he wants is for her to accept his love and love him back. So often with God I try to pay him back for His love. But He is showering me with flowers, because He loves me, and He doesn't want anything in return, He is just romancing me.

On a lighter note... Earlier I was blessed enough to go on an adventure with my Hampton Family and why yes, I did chase after a Dodge Ram on foot. The gang and I were pulling into P Terry's parking lot and witnessed this bad ass truck run into a little Honda Civic. Obviously we all expected him to stop and find the owner... but he didn't! So I chased him down and wrote down his license plate number to give to the Honda's owner. I'm sure it was a rather amusing sight :p On our way back home we had a dance party to Pocahontas Dub Step, curtesy of Robert. I have the weirdest/best friends ever.

I have been blessed. I am blessed. I will continue to be blessed.

I have spent many years in trials. I struggled with depression and anorexia. I spent my senior year with my hair falling out, on an emotional Grave's Disease roller coaster losing my memory and sleeping. Coming home from England was a season of loneliness and my first year of college I got Celiac's and fibromyalgia. Pain is something that has become ordinary for me. I have become accustomed to learning about who God is through trial. I see each new set of hurtles as a time of refinement. But God has given me a beautiful word. He said "Shirelle, this is a season of blessings!"

So I'm claiming the blessings. I recently watched a movie called "Thank you, More Please." Now the acting in the movie was sub-par and the plot was just so-so, but there is a scene in it, in which the girl describes the moment when her life changed, when she learned to thank someone for blessing them, and then to ask for more. And I don't know how that works with the rest of the world, but what I do know, is that is exactly how God wants me to respond to his gracious gifts. So Jesus, Thank you, more please!

I'm ready to learn about who Jesus is in this new context. I believe I will have greater revelation of Jesus than in any other season of my life. I have been refined in pain, and now I will be refined in blessings!

Just this week I have been so blessed! My friend Liz sent me an iphone and now I can actually talk to my family! My sister gave me 5 new bags of clothes on a day when I was not feeling pretty, and i've gotten to wear new clothes every day, and bless my roommates with clothes. Multiple friends have let me drive their cars, paid for coffee, made me food and loved on me through my crazy test week.

I am a beloved daughter of the most high king. And I'm so very grateful to all those who are walking through this season with me. I pray that each of you would more fully know who Jesus is because of the revelations and blessings he gives you this year!

Austin: the next step of my journey.

I just want to be adored: the words someone wrote on the bathroom stall of Spider House. How many girls walk in and out of that bathroom, stare into that mirror, and long to be adored. Long to be wanted. I longed to find a pen and say on top of it, Jesus adores you. Because he so adores that girl that wrote it. That girl who is desperate enough that she wrote it on a bathroom wall. So lonely, so without someone to talk to, that she resorted to the secrets that some other girl will read and identify with. If only she knew how adored she is. If only she knew the things Jesus says about her, how He gushes over her and is so excited about her. If only she knew that he longs to walk with her and romance her and just be her best friend. If only she knew.

The city of Austin needs to know the love of Jesus. There is a hunger here. People are longing for something to satisfy them. And man, how cool it is to watch people come to know him! Over these past few months at university I've gotten to see the Lord move in such mighty ways. I feel like I'm in the midst of revival. And it is such an incredible place to be. School is hard, and life is stressful, but man the peace of the Lord that resides here is so beautiful. I wouldn't trade going to UT for anything. Because people come here open, and hungry, and broken, and then God meets them. I don't think UT knows how prayed over it is. But my goodness, it is soaked in Jesus!

Every Thursday night we have Hampton prayer over at the CHOP. And we've had some awesome times, like every time has been really beautiful. But last night there was breakthrough. Last night God spoke truth over our community. We asked God for words, and He provided. He is soaking Hampton in Jesus. I am so excited to see where He takes this house. To see how He blesses it with His presence and redeems the people who live here. Community is a rough place to live. There is no escape here, and when you live with this many people, there is a constant mirror being shoved in your face. A mirror of your faults and strengths, when you live with people it brings all the gunk to the surface. But man how cool is it to live with people who allow you to be so genuine and allow you to work through the pain. I am so grateful for being allowed to work through the issues.

Some of my Hamptonites in our kitchen

I was freaking out about life and issues and stress today and I looked up and saw this beautiful blonde woman, who had lost her left leg. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. She lost her leg and now she's begging on the street. I don't know what misfortune brought her to this place. But I realized how broken she must be. She is so beautiful, her smile so warm, I don't understand why God allowed her to be in such a broken place. But ,I know sometimes God lets us be broken so that we hold onto him.

Austin is city with broken people, lonely people, tired people, but Austin is a city where Jesus is being glorified.

Nostalgia

So I looked back and read my old posts, life seemed so enthused then. I feel like coming back to America was like coming back to the mundane. I guess I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life here... but being here feels like someone put a cloud over emotion. Like emotional novocain. I feel numb, bitter, worn out. Part of me feels angry at God for making me come home, because life feels so pointless here. And everyone says there is a point to this. But I stare into the mirror and all I feel is loneliness. All I know is I wish I wasn't here. People say to learn from this time. But whats to learn? I'm stuck. I want to feel the love of Christ and I can't. I know I can't rely on feelings. I know that emotions are deceptive. I know this time will end. But knowing things in your head is so hard when you can't feel that its true.

I'm in neutral and I'm coasting through a fog so thick the end is nowhere near. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn...I could really use dawn right about now. Philippians says to Rejoice... what does rejoicing mean? How can you rejoice when you can't feel? Is it just a state of being, constantly rejoicing in what Christ did for us, with our minds, even when our emotions can't feel joy...?

Life is so complicated, so overwhelming. I'm just holding onto what I know to be true. Knowing that when i look back on this time i'll be grateful for it.

2 Corinthians 5:17

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I was so exhausted on Wednesday night, but something was drawing me to pray. So when I got back from my Kerby date with Seth, I went in to the prayer room. Tired and without expectancy I started to cry because it felt like I was just slipping right back, right back to where I was before, back into all the same patterns with all the same friends and I couldn't conquer it. And then I looked up at the wall. And I saw a list of things that I am in Christ, and the first one I saw was that I am a "New Creation" and that burden of trying to make myself behave disappeared. I don't have to worry and more, because I am a new creation! And God whispered down to me, you are already free from it in me. Don't you worry little girl.

I used to be a caterpillar and now I'm a butterfly, I'm still the same person, but God has transformed every bit of me. A butterfly could not survive if it still though it was a caterpillar, and likewise we cannot survive if we do not claim our new freedom in Christ.

So all you reading this, be blessed and know that YOU are a NEW CREATION. The old is actually gone! And when you feel it creeping back in, you can proclaim freedom in Christ.

Moving On

Well guys, my time here in the UK is coming to a close. It was a shorter period of time than I had originally thought, but it was so worthwhile. I have fallen in love with this place, with these people and leaving will be so hard, but I truly am excited for what's next. I didn't want to tell you guys until I knew for sure what I would be doing, but it looks like come March 12th(ish) I will be living in Kansas City, Missouri. I gave this year to be a year where I served, and I want to continue that when I come back to America. So I asked around, where people though I should go next, and it seemed like everyone I asked said, Kansas City, so for the last couple of months, I've been looking into, and I've had the most incredible support from 24-7 leaders. Finally, Thursday, I got an e-mail confirming that I can come to KCBR for three months. Woohoo! When Anna e-mailed me, she asked me a few tough questions, what makes me burn, what drives me, what do I want to learn... it took me a while to come up with an answer, but here is what I said:

Hurting women break my heart, and the social cycle that causes women to think less of themselves, sell themselves short and then have kids who are born into a dysfunctional home and carry on the routine: that makes me want to see change. Here in Corringham, there are a lot of broken people. There are a lot of people who have been told for so long that “they’re nothing but an Essex kid,” and now they believe it. I’ve been spending the last six months loving the girls. They are hard on the outside, but o so insecure right underneath. Some of them push away love, because they don’t know what to do with it. Some of them hold tightly to you, because they so desperately want to be wanted. Some of them stare at you quietly judging from the corner, if this I safe or not. But nevertheless, I've sought over these past months, to show these girls what love is. Its not that they’re homeless or anything, it’s the fact that while most of them have houses to fall asleep in at night, most of them don’t have homes, and people to care for them every day. Their parents really do love them, but they work two jobs to stay afloat and go to the pub late to drink away the past. Most of their dads are out of the picture, and the girls don’t know what a relationship with a guy is supposed to look like.

My heart breaks, because although they’re living in this cycle, they don’t know it exists. I want so badly to influence these girls enough that they will break free. To tell them they are worthwhile, to tell them that they can do what they’re dreaming. I want this work that I’ve done with them to carry on once I’ve gone, because people saw girls changing, and were overwhelmed, so they couldn't help but continue to love them. Yesterday I sat with ten of the girls that hang about in town center until midnight every day, the ones that get drunk any chance they can get. We sat in my living room, ate pizza and cookies, danced, laughed, and chatted. Then they made me sing a song, and I decided to be brave. After I sang Hallelujah to them, I read them the poem that I had written two months before. I read them a poem of what God sees when He looks at them. And the room went silent. I told them that God sees them when they’re hurting, when no one else does, when life is rubbish. And not only does God see them, but he cares. This is what I said:

“Little girl, with the harsh I don’t give a shit exterior, I see you. I see you when the walls come down. I see you when your alone, broken and beaten. I see you fighting with your parents, I see you slam your door, I saw your daddy walk away, I was there when he OD. I see the pain little girl. I see you when the door is shut and the tears stream down. I see you in the park acting so cool when inside you’re shaking; scared someone might see through the façade. And guess what little girl, I love you. I call you beautiful. You can keep running, but I’ll be there, holding out my hands, waiting for you to run to me. O little girl, you have no hope, but I am THE hope. You think you got it all figured out, laugh it off, drink it away, push it out, and it won’t exist, right? WRONG. You know it, I know it, but its what you do, its what you’ve always done. Don’t you see, I made you. I chose you. You’re not an accident. I picked you. I want you. Come to me little girl, and I will set you free.”

Then we prayed for them. Each one. Individually. The air felt thick, like the Holy Spirit was right there with us. And then I was shocked, then, they prayed for me. They said they didn't know how to pray, but they prayed beautiful prayers. They say they don't want to believe, but man they prayed! And I was blessed...

My heart breaks for a lot of things, but in the end, this is what it comes down to: Jesus. His heart breaks for the lost, and hurting and broken, and so does mine. And I pray everyday that God will break my heart for what breaks his. Some days I do a good job, other days my heart isn’t so compassionate. But that’s the great thing about being young, I still have a lot of years to learn what true compassion is. I hope that more I’m around people who love people well, who love people like Jesus loved, the more I’m around those people, the more I will learn how to do it.

I don’t have any grandiose things I want to learn from being in Kansas City, I want to learn by doing, by serving next to other people that love Jesus. I am willing to serve wherever you need me, whether that’s doing the dishes or leading prayers and teaching younger girls, I’m up for it. Pray about it and see where you think God wants me, and know that wherever it is, I feel like this is where God wants me, so I know he will grow me from it.

Beautiful Junk

Every Friday night we prayer walk around this town: Corringham. Those moments where we spread blessing over the town are some of my favorite, some of the most inspiring and challenging. Its incredible to think up ways to spread more blessing over the town, and the other day walking down to 217 from Transit Towers, I was inspired. I passed so much junk on my walk, and I just had this desire to start picking it up. I just wanted this town to be rid of the rubbish that fills it. And then I thought how cool it would be if after picking up all the junk, we made something out of it: a symbolic statement over the town. A statement that says "not only can God pick up the rubbish, but he can make it beautiful." Because the truth is if enough people tell you that your trash, you'll believe it, and the people of Corringham, have been continually told that they're no good. The kids that come to my house everyday, they wanna drop out of school, and their teachers think they should, their parents are the ones that get drunk in the pub every night, and have no faith that life can get better. These people believe that there is no hope. We wanted them to know that they are not worthless, but valuable. And maybe right now things are looking awful, and they don't see the beauty, but when we look at them, and when God looks at them we see what they were created to be, the value that God places on their lives.

We wanted to make something beautiful out of the towns junk, so that they could see that nothing is hopeless, everything can be made beautiful again. Friday: we did it. We went out into the town and picked up the cans, and wrappers, and broken bottles, we picked up the nasty bits that people drop onto the ground because they no longer have a purpose. We picked them up, took them home, and cleaned them. And then we made art out of that litter.

It was beautiful. To see that junk made into art was so beautiful. And now we're putting it back into the town. So that when people see that junk made beautiful, they can know someone cares about them.

Your Call

Your Call

Your call is to be a worship leader...

But not necessarily with a guitar in your hand.

Your call is to befriend that funny little lady at the end of your street,

Your call is to feed the hungry and to spend yourself on behalf of the poor... and to offer hospitality to strangerswho just turn up in town needing a place to crash,

And it's to fast,

And it's to pray, so long and hard that you run out of words and tears.

Your call is to preach the good news of Jesus to every person who will listen and a few who won't.

Your call is to go somewhere, anywhere, wherever, whenever, for Jesus, and never stop.

Your call is to love people no one else loves and toforgive then when they treat you like dirt - or worse.

Do your job to the best of your ability without grumbling about your boss or whining about your colleagues.

Your call is to pray for the sick, and when they are healed, to dance with them all night. And when they aren't, toweep with them and love them even more.

Your call is to honor your parents, pray for your leaders,study the scriptures, and attend plenty of parties, be apeacemaker in every situation: when the fight breaks out on the bus home late at night and when the gossip starts to circulate at church.

Your call is to pick up the litter in the street when no one else is looking, to wipe the toilet seat, to pull gum off from under the desk. t's to get to meetings early to put out chairs.

Your call is to make disciples and to teach them to obeyeverything Jesus Commanded. And don't forget to ministergrace to them when they sin (which they will).

Your mission is to baptize and to cast out evil spirits.

Your call is to bind up broken hearts wherever you find them, and you will find them wherever you look. It's to visit hospitals and prisons.

Your call is to listen more than you talk and to listen with your eyes as well as your ears.

It's to do the chores again and again without grumbling, It's to buy ethical coffee and to recycle your bottles, and while your at it, don't forget to leave anonymous gifts on peoples doorsteps.

And when you've done all that come back and we can spend a little time praying about phase 2!

An Excerpt from Pete Grieg's "The Vision and the Vow"

Prophetic Pennies

Around comes Friday night: prayer walking time. And everyone in the house has this gloom over them. So before its time to start I go into the prayer room, and ask God for some fresh hope, some rejuvenation for our team. While I'm there I find these dreams. Dreams that we wrote almost at the beginning of the year. Dreams for a change, dreams for hope, dreams for revival and salvation. And I prayed that God would restore these dreams in our hearts, and that God would bring them about in our town. And by the time prayer walking was coming, I was stoked. Stoked to see what God was gonna do tonight, because I knew it was gonna be amazing. And I made Steve and Mike read out their dreams too, and the atmosphere changed, all of a sudden we were excited, excited to see this new work God was gonna do. And then that fresh hope that I had just prayed for, Steve brought it. He had this idea about pennies, and by now I've learned that the crazier an idea sounds, the more likely to be brilliant it is. He read us the passage from Luke 15, about the woman with only ten coins to her name, who loses one. She searches and searches everywhere for her lost coin until she finds it, and when she does, she is so excited she tells all her neighbors and friends and celebrates with them. And just like that woman with the coin, thats how God celebrates when we come to him.

So Steve, he finds like a 100 pennies, and we prayed over them. We prayed that the pennies would be symbols of hope, and light in this town of despair. We prayed that God would use them in ways we didn't understand. We were inspired to see God change this town, to see God change Corringham. And so with a bag full of change each, we went out. We laid pennies in front of gambling shops, churches and youth hangouts, in front of the park, on benches, down alley ways, on top of rubbish bins and in pizza boxes. Anywhere we wanted the symbol of Gods' hope to be we put a penny. A heart shaped row on Penny's next to the dodgy pub, and a smiley face down a dark alley. Wherever we walked we prayed Gods' hope would be, we prayed that people's veils would be removed, that they would see God clearly. Because we knew that if they could see God, actually see what was going on, there would be no stopping the revival in this town.

As we laid the pennies, something awesome happened. We got to tell people about Jesus. Because yeah, walking around on a Friday night laying pennies on the streets is weird, and people want to know whats going on. So they asked, and we told them. We told them, that sometimes this town is dark, and despairing, but we're praying that hope would fill it, we told them that we care enough about them, and this town, to pray. And we gave them pennies, to put in their houses, purses, schools. Maybe they will forget about the pennies, but my hope is that when they see random pennies lying around, that they will remember the prayers that we prayed, and they will remember that their is hope in Christ.

We got to pray for healing, for restoration and hope. For individual people, for the rough and tough crowd who act so cool, we prayed for those boys, and they were actually keen for it to happen. Man! Isn't God good! He can do immeasurably more than we can ask think or imagine, so I'm gonna ask for Corringham!

Corringham

I have no words to describe the way my heart has broken for Corringham. The girls showed up at our house today, and we just got to sit on our couches with hot chocolate and chat. The boys come round all the time, but it was so nice to have the girls today. It wasn't anything special, it was just the fact that they felt comfortable here. They felt comfortable just being, its like we've hit a new stage, and I hate the fact that I don't get to be around to see it out. I want to see them in love with Jesus so bad it hurts. And I know God is going to provide someone else who has a heart to see them serving God, but sometimes its easier to say you know something than believe it. I just have to trust that God loves these girls so much more than I ever will, and so He will therefore bring someone into their lives who will love on them and show them Jesus. Because His desire is for them to know him.

Jumping

I don't know where God wants me, and I don't know where He's gonna take me. That place of the unknown is a tough one. Its a place we all face. Trust sounds easy when its all in theory, but then the reality comes and we have to take the leap of faith. We jump off those steep cliffs and trust that God is gonna catch us. But man that time in the middle from the land to His hands, man that time is scary, and its exciting and its awesome. But man it takes a whole lotta courage to jump. I'm scared to jump. Because my mind keeps telling me I'm gonna jump off the wrong cliff at the wrong time. Where next? The dirty streets of Boys Town is where my heart wants to be, but I don't know if thats the plan. Do I get to stay in Corringham, or should I move on to something thats a little more out of my comfort zone? Is it Kansas City or Madison? Or maybe just right at home in Austin. All these decisions lie in front of me and yet somehow I know that when the time comes to make that decision Gods' just gonna do it. And it won't be me jumping off the unknown cliff free-falling... it will be God guiding, and it will be him jumping with me, and He'll be the one with the parachute. Cuz he says He's got plans for me. And he says they're gonna be good. He says He loves me, and He's gonna provide for me. He says do not be afraid.

So Lord you show me the way. If you want me to stay, well then you kick open that door, and if you want me to go, well then show me that way too. I'm jumping Lord, jump with me. And on this journey through the air, Lord teach me to follow your truth. Teach me what faith and trust and belief are. Cuz I wanna walk with you. I wanna be like Moses, and I don't wanna move unless your moving with me. Ok God here I go, you take the controls. I'm letting you decide the destination. Cuz your plans are better than mine. Your ways higher than my ways.

Lions and Tigers and VISAS oh my!

Just a quick update to all my faithful prayer warriors out there. I love it here. I love all the things God has used me to do. I love all the things He has done in me. I don't want to leave. Unfortunately that decision isn't really up to me. I have all faith that if God wants me here, He can keep me here with a snap of His fingers.

You see as the end of February my visa is up and I have to come. I can't come back in on a visitor visa again, because immigration is so uptight. Basically God is going to have to provide a visa somehow. There are some options that we're working on, but its a pretty scary time for me. I really do feel like I'm supposed to be in Corringham. So for the time being please pray that God will give me a way to stay. I really feel like this is where I'm supposed to be.

Thanks for your support :)

Treasure Hunting

I thought it was cooky, and weird, and not something I would ever do. And then I did it... and my world was rocked. Pray, then write everything you hear in your head onto a piece of paper: because you have the mind of Christ, and therefore you can believe that these "clues" are from him. "hot pink, black clothes, brown hair, blue eyes, sad..." Those were my clues. I didn't know what they meant. But thats what I thought I heard God saying. So half in faith and half because I thought it couldn't hurt to play along I wrote them down. I was skeptical. I was afraid. To walk onto a street full of the kids we know, full of the kids we talk to everyday, the kids who laugh at you so easily, we were about to show them a piece of paper, describing them, a piece of prophesy. But then something amazing happened. Those clues we wrote down... they were true. Louis was wearing everything on Mike's list, and not only did we get to tell him that God loved him, and that God was thinking about him and wanted to talk to him, not only did we get to do that, but he was so freaked out by "God stalking" him, that he told everyone else. Then suddenly there were fifteen kids around us, all wanting to see the paper. All shocked. And it was incredible. Right there on that paper they saw God moving. Then I met Holly, brown hair, blue eyes, black clothes and a hot pink bag... and she was sad. I got to pray with her, and tell her about Jesus' love. I can't even describe it! How incredible to see God move so intensely. We try day after day to love on these kids but getting them to sit and listen to the gospel is hard, almost impossible, but because Angelique stepped out in faith and made us move, we got to show them Jesus. I'll never forget the looks on their faces. The shock. Andy the policeman, John in the bar with a son named Harry, Holly, Louis, James... God knew they would be there. And He sent us to reach them. The stories from that night are incredible, but we didn't do it: we just had to be available. He did the rest.

Life goes on

Stop. Look. Process... beautiful words, that I don't do much of lately. If your not careful life goes bye like a speeding train; the scenery outside may be beautiful, but you would never know. I've had the most incredible two and a half months of my life. I've seen God move in me and in this community. I've learned about His character, about community and hospitality, about living in fellowship with believers and having your own relationship with Christ at the same time. I've been challenged to step it up, to not say now I'm doing missions and now I'm just living, but to be constantly living as a missionary, that missions is my life. Now... I'm processing it all. I read in "Velvet Elvis" yesterday that "life will go on without you," that its a form of pride not to take a sabbath. Sometimes we think that if we're not constantly serving and doing it won't get done, but the truth is, thats its Christ doing, we're just the vessels, so we can trust that when he told us to rest, it was for a purpose, and He can use anyone to get the things He wants done, done. How good is it to know that life goes on without us. Of course we all have responsibilities, things we must wake up and do e v e r y d a y... and thats good, God created us to do. But not at the expense of our relationship with Him. He wants more than anything for us to be with Him, in love with Him, captivated by Him. If we don't take the time to rest in Him, He usually forces us to. Whether thats making you sick, taking your car away, losing your job, or just canceling your plans, God will do whatever He has to to get hold of you. And I'm so glad He does. How beautiful it is to stand in His presence.

Justice...

We're sitting around the kitchen table at home talking about what justice is and then the next thin you know we're in Leeds sitting around a very different kitchen table, in Carmella's kitchen, who's raised five boys on her own on a government estate (think the projects or what a bunch of people living on welfare together would look like.) And in the middle of this depressing, depressed place, she has built the most beautiful garden. Its like she has grown life back into the place, and when you pass by her home you can't help but feel a sense of hope. These people are living in a circular depression. Generation after generation is caught up in receiving hand outs from the government and not working, and not having the ability to break free. We want to think up a way to bring life into the place. Carmella asked us to help plant a garden, which seems like a nice way to throw some color into the place. I mean we're only here for a week so doing relational things with the community is difficult. The people are very protective so trying to do stuff with the kids gets tricky. Me and Sara got yelled at for starting a game of tag with some of the kids on a bit of grass because the parents didn't know who we were. Which on some levels its good because it means they are looking out for their kids and not so depressed and caught up in drugs that they don't care.

The word justice hasn't ever felt real to me before. But how can you come to a place with so many needy people and not desire for justice to be carried out? How can you not desire for equality and dignity. I don't know how God is going to use us here, i don't know what He wants to teach us, but I do know that we are going to walk away from here different people. That we will care more for the poor, for those in need. God says he is just, and therefore He must desire that we care for His people who are in need. So my prayer is that the Lord will show me how to care.

All I can do is pray...

I don't know how to write it all. Even if you were sitting right here I don't think I could explain it. Here. Life. All the things God is doing in me and speaking in me and doing through me. I don't know how to explain it all. Its good. Its hard. My heart is broken for these people. Its the classic small town nothing to do and Dads gone so why don't we just drown out the boredom and pain with drugs and alcohol. Sometimes the cup of tea and small talk just don't seem like enough. But its all we can do. We pray whenever we can. All I can do is pray. They need Jesus. End of story. Without Him their lives have no purpose, they have no hope. I wish I could make them see that.

Life

So reading through my blog I've noticed that I haven't been very good at telling ya'll what I'm actually doing here. So I'm gonna tell you a little about the daily life of this week and next.

Sunday: Because we are from all different places and aren't associated with any particular church or denomination, we have this awesome ability to go to any church and talk about the Boiler room and what it represents and try to get people from all different churches involved in it. Most of the Boiler Room community goes to TCF (Thurrock Christian Fellowship), but they would like to see all different people involved. For the past two weeks, and next two weeks, we're at the Baptist church. The Baptist church actually owns the house that we rent, so its pretty cool to get to know them. They've actually asked us to lead the children's church next Sunday, so I've got that whole lesson planned out and we will be leading it. Pray that it goes well, my lesson is on Missions, and we're gonna tell the story of Paul, and then talk to them about why we're here doing missions and what Gods been doing in our lives. I'm excited to see God work in that, and hopefully we will be able to get the Baptist more involved in community outreach.

Monday: On Monday mornings we have prayer at 217, the Boiler House, and then we spend some time cooking, cleaning and preparing for all the projects we do. I am currently working on a lot of awesome projects. We have a week of prayer coming up the 19th- 26th of October, and Transit is heavily involved in the planning of it, we are organizing and leading worship. I made the rotor for it, and we are redecorating the prayer room. Since the Boiler rooms in Guilford and Reading are having prayer rooms the same week that are focused on Human Trafficking, I thought it would be cool if we allowed that to be a focus in ours as well. So I'm doing some research and gonna make a poster on it, and maybe talk about it at one of the first worship sessions. Also on Mondays we have God Story teaching, which is basically going through the Bible in these ten months that we are here, but in such a way that we can better understand how the whole Bible relates and give us the ability to teach it to others. This week Alana taught us the story of Isaac and Jacob, its pretty cool to get other peoples perspectives on the Bible.

At night we had house meal, which is where anyone who is part of the community can come to a dinner and we all just sit together and eat and enjoy getting to know one another and just hang out. The Trannies had to cook the dinner, so me and Sara decided to make tacos. I was a little nervous because I had never made homeade salsa before, and the ingredients they have here are so different from home, but there was none left and people asked for my recipe, so that made me really happy :)

Tuesday: Morning prayers from 8-9 at the boiler house. Then what we do on Tuesdays rotates from week to week. Last week we did besom and worked on this single mother, Sam's house. We are completely redecorating her house, so we spent all of last week cleaning the walls and preparing them to be painted, and then next week we will hopefully get to finish sanding and start painting. I'm really excited to get to know her and bless her. She just seems like she is in desperate need of Jesus' love. This Tuesday we had more teaching. Andy Freeman came down from Reading and talked to us about Community and the Trinity. I had never thought about how much the two relate, but its so true that the Trinity is the ultimate example of what community should look like. It was such an amazing talk. He really is an incredible guy, I just wanted to soak up all his knowledge, I could sit all day and here what God has been doing in Reading.

Wednesday: Study day! We have morning prayers from 9-10, then I pray from 11 to 12 for my own personal prayer slot. Then I met with Anne, my amazing mentor who is just so wise. Basically Wednesdays are days to catch up on all our reading (Which there is ALOT of, I'm currently reading 4 books), and to spend some time with God and just relax in him and seek out what He is doing and just let Him speak to us. Most Wednesday nights we try to have people over, its our hospitality night. This week we had Tony and Lina from Kosova over. They are full time missionaries there, and in a nation of two million people, less the 1% are Christians. They do work with the gypsies that basically have nothing, and they are the pastors of a church. I think it would so incredible to go out some time and work with them for a summer.

Thursday: Bar N Bus day! We have morning prayers from 8-9 at the boiler house, and then we try to clean and take care of house stuff. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours preparing for the evening. Us girl Trannies are planning a girl's night for the Bar N Bus girls on Sunday. So Ange and I made up the flyers and permission slips and I called people to get everything set up. I am just so excited for this event! We're all gonna share our testimonies and give them time to ask us questions, but mainly we're just gonna do nails and girly things and let the Holy Spirit have time to move. I don't know exactly what God wants to do there, but i know its gonna be something awesome! When we handed out the invitations, they were all so excited, and all said they were coming, I don't know if they will, but I hope they do. I've been praying for them so much, I just really love these girls. I got to have my first deep conversation where they really told me about their lives last night, so I'm feeling really encouraged. I know God wants to use us to bless them and show them His love.

Today (Friday): We do morning prayers differently on Fridays, we usually prayer walk through the town and just allow Him to speak to us. We all go off in our own directions and just pray for whatever God is calling us to pray for. Its pretty cool :) Then from 12:30 until like 3 we are at Palmers College, which is like high school, and we just hang out with the kids during their lunch hour, build some relationships, chat, hopefully pray for them. Not sure what God wants us to be doing there yet, but its where we're at right now, and I know Gods gonna use us somehow. Friday nights we do prayer walking through the town again, but its more purposeful. We leave half the team back at the house to pray, and the other half goes out and prays for people in the town and just looks for opportunities to affect the town. Last week I stayed back and prayed with Jo and it was just such a beautiful time with God. But I think I'll go out this week and see what God does :)

Saturday: Not sure what I'll be up to tomorrow, but Saturdays are our free days. Last week me, Sara and Jo drove into Brighton since everyone else was in Amsterdam for the 247 prayer conference and we wanted to do something fun too. I think I might go up to the mall and buy some stuff for the Girl's Night on Sunday. Not sure what else.

So there is my very long blog on what my life here is like. Its pretty great, we are constantly involved in the community, and we have fun doing it.